Think of You Leaving
by allwaswell23
Summary: Companion piece to my story "Right Here", told from Ron's pov a week after his return to the Hunt.
1. Chapter 1

*This story is written as a companion piece to my story "Right Here", which you can find by clicking my username. You don't have to read that to understand the story but it couldn't hurt. The dialog is identical but this story is told from Ron's p.o.v. instead of Hermione's, so beware of language. JKR is all that is awesome. Chapter 2 will be along shortly.

Think of You Leaving

At first I wonder if the noise is just the rain and the wind screwing with my imagination, but after a few seconds I accept that it really is Hermione that I hear. She's crying…and to make things worse she's trying to hide it from me.

I call out her name immediately, instinctively but it doesn't matter, she doesn't answer. Since I've come back she hasn't let me talk to her alone once, and I can't say I blame her. I get the feeling that she's only tolerating me for Harry's sake, and when she does speak to me it tends to be short and cold. Again, I can't blame her. Honestly, I'm just bloody thankful she's allowing me back at all, and I am because inside I know that if she were to look me in the eye and say she wanted me to leave for good, I'd actually do it. I'd do anything for her.

She clearly hasn't forgiven me. I wouldn't be forgiving me either. I've been trying not to think that way, though. Besides, just having Hermione so close again makes me so effing happy. Until she looks at me like that, like she doesn't even know me anymore. She talks to me like we're strangers and I go right back to feeling like shit.

I hear her tiny whimpering noises, sounds that practically bring me to my knees. Even though it's dimly lit in our tent, I watch her silhouette shaking unnaturally. I'm feeling particularly desperate tonight and I decide that no matter what it takes for her to hear me I have to offer her a decent apology. I venture a few steps closer toward her cot and speak a bit louder.

"Mione? Please answer me."

I've captured the air in my lungs while waiting for a response. There is a heavy silence and then suddenly she is flat-out sobbing. I can't take this. Even if I end up hexed into next year at least it would have been worth a shot. I cross the distance to her cot and settle next to her. Should I comfort her? I _want_ to comfort her but my gut instinct is telling me that any hand I lay on her may very well end up severed and buried deep in her magic purse. It's worth a shot. I _have_ another hand, after all. Gently, I place my hand on her arm.

_Please don't hex me, please don't hex me! _

She doesn't hex me. She pulls the covers down to her waist and rolls onto her back, showing me how puffy and red her face is. She still looks beautiful and my heart immediately breaks knowing that I've put her through all this pain. I don't deserve her. I wish more than anything that I did, but I don't even come close. Shit. What could I possibly say that could explain myself; how sorry I am?

All I can manage is one pathetic question from a pathetic wanker whose pathetically hoping that maybe this girl has any _other_ reason to cry. "What is it?"

Her eyes run from mine and she tries to hide a few more escaping sobs. "I don't know if I can…"

But I stop her as soon as her intent sinks in. She's scared to let me have it, to really let me have it. Well, there is no way in hell that she's more scared than I am at this point. "Trust me, Hermione, whatever you want to say…if it could lead to a chance that you'll forgive me then I'm ready for it." She stares right into me and I'm not sure if I'm winning her over or losing her more. "Please?"

She's studying my face. I want to look away but I can't. I'll just sit here and allow her to read me like one of her books for as long as she needs. I'm an admittedly desperate man. I want to hear it all, even if it breaks my heart. Even if she tells me that nothing I could say would cause her to accept my love, or even my friendship, I need to hear it. She deserves to have it out. I watch her nod and she begins to talk. "Well, obviously I'm still upset with you," she says, her words laced with tears. I drop my face into my hands, shamefully. I absolutely fucking hate myself for bringing us to _this_. All those lonely nights; I'll never forgive myself.

I feel the tears start to brew in my eyes and I'm angry once again because I can't check my fucking emotions. Her fingers slip into mine and she continues, "I'm glad you're back, Ron…I am. I know I was outwardly enraged at you but, if I'm being honest, the moment you walked back through that tent was the happiest moment of my life. It was like a dream."

For the tiniest of moments I thought all might be forgiven, but her tone quickly changed.

"But while you were gone I tried forcing myself to accept that I might not ever see you again. Do you know what that's like? I'm still scared you're a dream. And when I think of you leaving, which _I do…a lot_…just so you know… I get so…my heart just…breaks."

I look at her and she is crying hard. Embarrassed by her emotions, she waves a silencing charm over us. Shit, this is it. This is when she's going to let it all out. "Mione, I…"

"And it wasn't bad enough that you left me. The things you said, the way you looked at me. You can't undo those things, Ron. I see them every time I close my eyes. I see them every time I want to smile, and then I feel the hurt all over again."

That did it. My heart hurts so bad I can feel it breaking pulse by pulse with blinding flashes of white behind my eyes. I feel the tears down my cheeks, and throw my hands up to stop them. I am nothing but a broken apology at this point.

"I'm sorry." I try honestly, but my voice sounds juvenile even to my own ears. Suddenly fear overtakes me and I regret coming to her tonight. I can't handle her rejection; I know it's going to rip me to pieces. I'm racking my brain for something, anything to say to her that might sound halfway intelligent but I'm blank. My body rips my mind out of its dense fog and I realize she's holding me. _She's_ trying to comfort _me_. Dammit, I don't deserve her. I'm literally stunned at how far out of my league she's always been.

But she's still hugging me and before she realizes what I already know I'm going to try my best to make her feel better. I wrap my arms around her and squeeze her tight and I feel those bloody tears start to fall again. As the seconds tick by I begin to beg the universe for a bit of control and the right words that she deserves to hear. I pull back to look into her eyes and just start talking, not sure where it will lead me. "Hermione, I'm not sure what to say to make it all better. I'm not good with stuff like that. Bloody hell, I don't think anything I could say is worth enough. You have to understand that the locket…"

Must've been the wrong choice of topic because she stands up and moves away from me as if I've burst into flames. "The locket? You know, I find it interesting that you think the damn locket only affected you!"

She was miffed, royally miffed. Her hands were waving as she spoke, and did she just curse? "No, that's not it. I…"

But she doesn't let me finish. "I'll have you know, Ronald Weasley, that when I wore the locket I felt like hell too! I felt angry and hopeless and, thanks to you, I sat around for weeks completely sure that I was unwanted!"

Somehow her voice was even higher and my shoulders droop even lower as her words sink in. My focus quickly leaves her face because I no longer feel worthy to even look at her. And fuck me with these ruddy tears! "I know, Hermione. I know. I'm so sorry. I…" Interrupted. Again. I deserve it.

"Harry didn't know _what_ to do with me, not that there was anything he _could_ do! Not only did we not have you, but you turned me into this useless, crying mess!"

She paused, just long enough for a very vivid image to enter my mind. Hermione crying on the very cot on which I now sat, heartbroken, because of me. Just as suddenly, another thought hits me. I'll do whatever it takes to restore her confidence.

"Do you get that, Ron? Do you understand what you did to me?" She asks.

And in an instant I _do_ get what I did to her. I also know that there's no way to fully explain my actions without spilling my secret. Before I can reconsider I force my mouth to say the words I've become so sure of, "Hermione, I'm in love with you."


	2. Chapter 2

*This story is written as a companion piece to my story "Right Here", which you can find by clicking my username. You don't have to read that to understand the story but it couldn't hurt. The dialog is identical but this story is told from Ron's p.o.v. instead of Hermione's, so beware of language. JKR is all that is awesome.

"Hermione, I'm in love with you."

_Holy shit; why the fuck did I just say that?_ For a second she has no reaction and then my knees go numb because she looks shocked. I decide that shocked is probably a reasonable response and that I should give her a second to think but my bloody mouth won't stop because I'm picturing her in that dress last summer. "I wanted to tell you ages ago, at Bill's wedding but…but I just didn't think it was right… because of Harry and Ginny. Does that make sense? God, I hope that makes sense." I wait, willing myself to shut up for a second. My lead feet want to shuffle toward her but it's no use.

"Really? You're in love with me? Then how, Ron? How could you leave me?" she says in a small voice. It's not a happy voice; it's confused. It's the voice that's searching for all the answers that I'm responsible for giving her.

I take a deep breath because there's no turning back now. I just hope that as it all spills out that it makes some sort of sense to her. "The locket told me things, things I was already thinking. I'm an idiot, Hermione," I remind her for good measure.

If she accepts all this then I'm a fucking lucky bastard. If not…well, she should have more than me anyway. "I've liked you for…ages and then bloody Viktor Krum wanted you too and it killed me. I knew I couldn't compete with him. He's so famous and just _insanely_ rich. I felt like I shouldn't even try because…well, you deserve someone like that, Mione, someone who can give you everything. Then Ginny told me he kissed you and I lost it. That's the reason I snogged Lavender so much. I wasn't into her, and I feel awful about it but I was immature and jealous." I'm thinking of blonde hair and giggles smothering me and I can't believe how immature I had been with Lavender.

Just keep breathing and keep going. "I know the locket is no excuse but it made me so sure that you wanted to be with Harry instead of me." And there it is, that image of Hermione and Harry snogging, Harry's hands all over her, and Hermione moaning in pleasure. I try to shake it away. "I can't blame you of course, and something that night told me I shouldn't fight for you because you deserve a great guy like Harry, not some pathetic wanker like me. Why _would_ anyone want to be with me when Harry Potter is right there?" I pointed to where Harry was probably sitting on watch.

She approached me, close enough to stick her finger in my chest repeatedly. "So you felt like you weren't good enough for me? Is that it? Guess what? I will decide who is good enough for me, Ron, not you! And regardless, you still shouldn't have left me, you know! You should have told me the truth, maybe asked me how_I_ felt about you! Did you even think of that, Ron?"

Dammit, she's right, I should have asked her. And I did think about it, all the time in fact but I never thought…her gaze is aimed to kill and I answer. "Yeahhh," I began awkwardly, "but I was scared to death of what you'd say. I still am actually."

"Well, you're back to where you started then, aren't you?" She threw up her hands. "Except now you've walked out on me and I have to live with the fear that you might do it again." Her tears start to fall again and I try to wipe them but she moves away from me. She moves quickly, harshly and I feel like she is disgusted that I tried to touch her. I can't handle that feeling, and I won't let it be this way between us. I can't let her walk out of this tent with all of this hanging over us. I take a deep breath and grab her arm, pulling her around to me. I meet her bright, blue eyes for a split second before a lay my lips on top of hers.

A few seconds pass and she's not pushing against me so I decide to deepen the kiss. Her lips are exactly like I imagined them, soft and easy against mine. After hanging on for a few more selfish seconds I reluctantly pull back, still gripping her tightly, not sure if she'll try and leave again.

I look into her eyes and she's waiting for me to say something and I know I need to because she deserves more than a kiss I forced on her…even if it was bloody amazing.

I'm so aware of every inch of her that I'm touching. My fingers run over her cheek and my stomach and groin are right up against hers. But suddenly it's more than that, suddenly we're more than that and I know telling her the truth wasn't a mistake, even if she stays angry.

I speak again, slowly and softly. "Hermione, all I can say is that I wasn't in my right mind when I left. It's no excuse, I know… and I bloody _hate_ myself for doing it. But I would die before ever leaving you again, and I mean it. Please know that." I search her eyes to see if I can gauge any of her thoughts but she either has none or far too many. I realize she's not ready to speak so I sigh, "I don't deserve your forgiveness and I don't expect it, but you had to know the truth and I had to tell you how I…really feel about you."

A moment passes and a stunning smile grows on her beautiful face and I almost fall to the floor in relief. "You're really in love with me?"

She's going to make me say it again? What if she doesn't love me back? Alright, Weasley, time to grow a pair. "I love you, Hermione. And, I bloody hope you feel something for me…" And then before I can grab and hold another agonizing breath she's kissing me again. Does this mean she loves me too? "Hermione?" I ask, desperate for an answer.

She laughs a bit and wraps her arms around my neck, "I love you too, Ron. I love you so much and I've wanted to tell you..." Thank Merlin! I can't believe Hermione Granger loves me! I let out the incredibly large breath I'd been holding as she reaches up to kiss my neck. I hope she doesn't feel me shaking. I'm so happy and relieved and in awe, and suddenly a realization washes over me, a new purpose for fighting this damned war. We shouldn't waste any more time. We should be together now. I lean in close to her and speak, "I want to be with you. I'll _fight_to be with you, I don't care what famous, rich bloke comes along next. If You-Know-Who himself were after you, I'd protect you. I want to be the one to make things right with you…if you'll let me."

She nods; even smiles a bit, but it's a sad smile. "I want all those things, Ron. I want to be with you but…I can't." Oh god, she can't? Is she in love with someone else? Just as I'm trying to figure out who the sonofabitch could be she continues, "_We_ can't. You said that you didn't tell me how you felt at Bill's wedding because it wouldn't be fair to Harry. It still isn't fair. We would be starting this in front of him and he doesn't deserve to..."

"To see us happy?" I spring into her sentence, my words filled with too much angry sarcasm for this moment. I also add, _'To hell with Harry, then.'_ but I can't form the words.

"No! To feel sad, or left out, any more so than he already does." She adds, playing with my collar. I study her for a minute, trying to come up with any reason to counter with but there's none. I pull her closer to me and whisper, "You're right. God dammit, you're right."

And then her voice speaks quietly and even though it's sad it's got to be the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. "But I do love you…and I want to be with you, when all of this is over."

I roll my eyes up toward the tent's ceiling and say a silent prayer to the universe that we'll get to see that day. "I love you too and I promise as soon as this thing is finished I'm going to show you exactly how much." I mean it. I only hope I have the chance to.

The wind is picking up again over the tent, whipping the canvas back and forth. Hermione speaks over it, her voice overwhelmed with emotion. "Harry can't know. We have to promise to wait, no matter how long it takes. We wait until this is done. When I lift the silencing charm we are back to just being friends, alright?"

I place my hands around her face and try to sound reassuring even though her words have broken my heart. "It will be worth it, Hermione. I promise you it will be worth the wait." I see her hand come up, wand ready to lift that damned charm but I reach out and stop her. I have to stop her. I'm not ready yet. "One more for the road?" I say with as much charm as I can muster. She smiles and I take that as a yes and immediately press my lips to hers. I kiss her with as much feeling as I have because I have no idea when our next kiss will take place, if it will even be in this lifetime.

Somehow I manage to pull away then, because I know I need to put some space between us or I will literally not be able to let her go. I lead her back to her cot and tuck her in. I want to say something to let her know that even though things have just changed forever between us, things will always be the same. But all I can think to say is "I'll be right here if you need me," and I mean it.


End file.
